Bert: The College Campus Bum

There used to be an infamous bum that frequented my school campus. His appearance screamed “bum,” yet he always had snacks by his side--more importantly, the money to pay for his snacks. In short, Bert was a large bum.

Bert looked like this.

My friend first discovered him because of his inappropriateness. Despite having such a large mass, he managed to find pants that didn’t properly fit him, which would constantly fall short of covering his crack.

...and crack really does kill.

Hence, her code-name for him—Pants Man.

I guess I should make a point of explaining how I know this bum’s name in the first place.

I was sitting at an outside-table of a restaurant I like, with a friend. We noticed that Bert was there, too. Snacking. Suddenly, another familiar bum around the area came by and greeted him by his name.

Hobble Lady comes to greet Bert.

They talked for a while, then she left, all the while I pretended to listen to music from my computer. Instead, I took note of their conversation.

Yes, this was the actual note. Yes, this did happen.

Now, I understand what I did seems creepy. However, Bert was the most entertaining bum around.

The second thing I should address is why Bert was so fascinating. Bert had an uncanny ability to show up about as quickly as you could mention him. 

 

"Did someone call me??"

One time, I had just arrived at school by the school shuttle. A friend brought Bert up and as soon as he did, low and behold, he appeared! Right in front of us, he appeared. This is hard to believe especially because he appeared at a corner at which I could see both sides leading to it. I laughed so hard in disbelief that I got out of the shuttle, hands on knees.

When I pulled myself together, he was gone. Not walking away. GONE.

In another remembrance, I hadn’t seen Bert in a while. I was leaving school as my friend called out, “I hope you see Bert soon!” As soon as she said it, he walked around the corner, right in front of us. I stood in shock as I watched him walk by, praying he didn’t hear his name.

He walked past us, nonchalantly.

Bert came around for quite some time. But then suddenly, he stopped. 

Where'd you go, Bert?